5 tips to help you navigate your first year of marriage

5 tips to help you navigate your first year of marriage5 tips to help you navigate your first year of marriageSince I welches a child, one of the common phrases Ive heard circulate topics of adulthood is that the first (year/baby/etc.) is the hardest. Even in my early high school years when those adult concepts - university, marriage, babies - were still notreallyon my radar, the phrase was one that I adopted to suit my own teen drama. In fact, I said the first one is the hardest to my friend the night she broke up with her boyfriend. I think my sister said it to me about my own breakup. My coach said it to my team following our first varsity loss. Sheryl Crowe taught me that the first cut is the deepest. See what I mean? Its just one of those things people say, even if its not necessarily true. (Indeed, I would argue that my fifth relationship and breakup was harder than every single one before and after. And I think losing in the playoffs hurt more than losing the pre-season scri mmage.)Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreBut when it comes to marriage, its true the first yearisthe hardest. Or so Ive seen.My marriage is hard, and I did not expect it to be. I was blessed with a damn-near-perfect example of what a marriage should be, too. My parents relationship was a true partnership, both parts taking and giving equally from one to the other. My husbands parents operate in large part the same way. Further, my husband and I were friends for a long time before we started dating, and we lived together for years before he offered me a ring. In summary, we had perhaps the most solid examples of marriage - and the most solid foundation of friendship - that one could want going into a relationship. As a result, I firmly believed that wed beat the notion.So why is my healthy relationship so much harder now that were married?When I asked my mom this (yes, I still g o to my mother with these things at 28), she said, Years ago, most couples didnt live together before they got married, so the challenges were different. In some ways, your grandparents didnt know who theyd married, so there was a lot of learning to be done for the sake of a partnership. Thats true. Chances are, 40 years ago, couples would not have had the opportunity (or the freedom) to discover that they cant stand how their partner walks in their slippers. Or that they put the toilet paper roll on backwards. Or that they dont fold the towels the way you showed them 100 times.But today we know virtually everything there is to know about our partners before we marry them - and even before we date them. Have a question about her/his past? If you cant find the answer yourself, Id be willing to bet you have a friend with an FBI cap that could find the answer for you. (I really do have a friend like this, and I should secure her an FBI cap somehow.)The challenges of early marriage are different today, my mom continued. You know him inside and out. Every quirk and bad habit, youve seen before. So what do you think it could be?I sat with this question for a while and could come up with only one answer its because its permanent now. I mean, think about it. Nothing has really changed other than the fact that we now have a piece of paper saying were legally bound to each otherforever. And we did know that going in - we know what marriage means, thankyouverymuch - but now that were actually in it, the stakes seem much higher and everything hits us much harder. A quirk that while previously was a little annoying but was also cute is now way less cute and way more annoying, and not going away any time soon. But the good news is that - although Im not a doctor or relationship counselor - after careful personal research and begging questions of dearest family, Id like to offer you just a few tips, peer-to-peer1. Allow yourself time to settle into the idea of permanenc e, and take it one day at a timeThe idea of permanence can easily become overwhelming, especially to my generation, where changes to anything, really, can be made in the blink of an eye. In this age, we are constantly thrown new information, new opportunities, new hair, new clothes, new phones, new shoes, new books, and OK, weve got it. But as a result of having a life accustomed to change on a dime,permanence carries a weight that your emotions will take advantage of.Your feelings hurting in the moment as a result of a conflict with your life partner will translate to my feelings will always be hurt by this person in this same way because Im stuck with them.Its simply not true.So rather than allowing the idea of permanence to feel like a weight on your chest, focus on one day at a time with the human youve committed to. And when you hear Squints saying, FOR-EV-ER, on a loop in your head, turn it off. In fact, maybe avoidThe Sandlotfor a while.2. Stay off social media following any disagreementDo not enable the world to pour salt on an open wound. I cant stress this enough. Marriage is hard in the age when you are bombarded with everyones bliss every time you sign into social media. Every look how happy we are Instagram post from a peer seems like a punch to the gut following a fight that ends in tears or a smashed dinner plate (that one hasnt happened yet, but Ive thought about it). Remember that Instagram is a small square snapshot of someones life, and what other couples have in their squares does not and should not affect your feelings about your life or your relationship.Separate the sparkly show that you see from the real backstage pass.In fact, instead of reaching for your phone for a distraction that may end up hurting you and your relationship further, if your physical and mental space allows, try sitting quietly with your thoughts. Which brings us to the next tip3. Change your lensIve recently started the habit of self-reflection. Real self-reflectio n. The kind that requires you to tear down the self-righteous pedestal youve built beneath your own feet, brick by brick. Once youve done that, it becomes much easier to ask yourself some tough questions for the sake of your relationship. I encourage you to ask yourself these questions following an argument with your spouse 1. Did I make the effort toactively listento what she/he was saying to me? 2. Do I think that she/he feels heard or understood?Seeing each situation from your partners point of view is so important to the healing process.Remember there is no room for ego in mutual healing.To be clear, that does not mean to set your points or feelings aside - they are just as important and necessary for both parties to understand. What I mean to say is do your best to remove anyunnecessaryanger, resentment, sadness, entitlement, or any other emotion surrounding the situation for the sake of healing and growingtogether.4. Say what you mean, not just what you want them to hearThis is a tricky one to explain.Arent those the same thing, Emily?No indeed. Often when my husband and I argue, there are many things I want him to hear Im angry and Youve hurt me are usually the big things, and trust me, I can make those points LOUD AND CLEAR. But what Imeanto say in those moments is something different This hurt my feelings, and This is how and why it hurts my feelings, and I know you didnt mean to hurt my feelings, so how can we fix it moving forward?I suppose the simplest way to explain this point is always try to be as clear as you can with your message.Speak with intention.This is not easily done and its certainly not something Im good at, but this subtle change in dialogue is something that I am trying to do and keeping it in the back of my mind during escalated moments is helpful to me.To take this one step further, do your best to remember your partners intention in whatever theyve done thats bothered you. In a healthy relationship and scenario, your partners in tent was not to hurt you, and if you actively consider this it will change your response to the situation.5. Remember that you cant change who they are, but you can help them growRemember that you knew who this person was before you married them and that you married them because you love them, and recognize that your current frustration with them is not rooted in the fact that they need to change in order to fix the situation.The idea that a person can/should change who they are at their core (e.g. introvert vs extrovert), is a dangerous one and can be detrimental to a relationship of any kind. However, the idea that a person can grow is something that I think is absolutely critical to the success of any healthy relationship - especially when it comes to marriage. As their partner, you have the power to help your spouse understand how there is an opportunity for them to altertheir approachto a situation to the benefit of your relationship.Likewise, be open to possibility that you w ill need to alter your approach to certain situations in order to grow in this partnership as well.(To help with this, see Tip No. 3.)At the end of the day, every marriage is different. Im sure (read hopeful) that there are couples out there for whom the first year of marriage was a breeze. And while mine has proven to be trying at times, I am confident that the love that I have for my partner and the love that he has for me will take us successfully through this first year.After all, it doesnt last forever.This article originally appeared on The Everygirl.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people